


The Disaster Lesbian Club

by agent_wheeler



Series: Scripts [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, F/M, Natasha is a terrible gossip, SHIELD throws a Christmas Party, Written As A Script, warning is for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:20:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28579617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_wheeler/pseuds/agent_wheeler
Summary: S.H.I.E.L.D. throws a Christmas Party. Everyone gangs up on Maria Hill.Written as a script.
Relationships: Andrew Garner/Melinda May, Clint Barton/Laura Barton, Lance Hunter/Bobbi Morse, Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov, Maria Hill/OFC
Series: Scripts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2094096
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	The Disaster Lesbian Club

_INTERIOR. Night. For a shady government organisation, SHIELD sure throws one hell of a Christmas party. This year it’s in DC, at the Triskellion, and it’s insanely busy. The place has been kitted out to the nines, with huge Christmas trees in the foyer, tinsel, fairy lights and fake snow absolutely everywhere. It’s heaving, and noisy.  
Our protagonist, TATIANA, is stood by a large window, overlooking D.C. at night, nursing a glass of prosecco. We get the distinct impression she’s been there a while, but people are largely leaving her be. She’s chosen a wide-legged grey pantsuit for the occasion, and a dark purple blouse. Her dark hair is curled, loosely, and hanging over one shoulder._

_We hear someone approaching in heels, and clearing their throat. There’s a beat, as TATIANA tries to figure out where she’s seen this woman before._

**MAY**  
You should come sit with us.

_Without missing a beat, MAY turns around and begins walking back to where she’d come from. TATIANA weighs up whether to follow, and decides she’s got nothing to lose. Besides, her leg is getting stiff, and she could do with a sit-down._

_We follow Tatiana, weaving through a crowd of mildly-intoxicated adults ‘dancing’, to another edge of the room, where five women are sitting casually on chairs and sofas which have been pushed up against the wall. They’re all completely at ease, drinking and talking, but turn around to face TATIANA as she arrives._

**HARTLEY** (with flourish)  
Welcome to Disaster Lesbian corner.

_She gestures round at the group._

**HARTLEY**  
I’m Izzy. Feel free to join us. Or, tell us we’ve completely misjudged.

_Beat. TATIANA looks round, stunned._

_Beat._

_Deciding to fuck the consequences, TATIANA sits down on a spare stool, in between HARTLEY and where MAY has perched on the arm of an armchair. ROMANOFF gives a small fist-pump, and HILL and MORSE pass her $10 each._

**TATIANA**  
I’m Tatiana, by the way. I’m new

 **HARTLEY**  
We know, love.

_Beat._

**HARTLEY**  
You do know this is a spy organisation? It’s kinda standard. Especially when M-

 **ROMANOFF** (interrupting)  
I’m Natasha. This is Maria, here, Barbara-

 **MORSE** (interrupting)  
Bobbi

 **ROMANOFF**  
And Melinda. Who’s currently working in admin, but who is selling herself chronically short.

_MAY sends ROMANOFF a death glare. Beat. There's not a lot of safe topics with this particular group of women._

**ROMANOFF**  
We’d put bets on whether you’d join us. I’m a rich woman now.

_ROMANOFF attempts to make it rain, with three $10 bills. It’s pathetic, but funny._

**HARTLEY**  
But, yeah. Maria wouldn’t shut up about the cute Brit who’d joined logistics, and we’d figured it was you. She’s got a type, what can we say.

 **TATIANA** (still overwhelmed by this whole thing)  
Um, thanks? I think?

 **ROMANOFF**  
I mean, the last woman Maria pursued was me, so I’d take it as a complement.

 **HILL**  
Okay, can we stop talking about me like I’m not here?

_Beat._

**HILL**  
Anyway, I thought we weren’t calling ourselves the Disaster Lesbians any more? Aren’t enough of us Bi to warrant a re-brand?

 **HARTLEY**  
That was an awful deflection.

 **ROMANOFF**  
It’s a good point though. Given May used to be married to a guy, and Morse is now on her second?

 **MORSE**  
For now.

 **HARTLEY**  
Oh come off it, he’s a sweetheart.

 **MORSE**  
He’s a goddamn nightmare and we both know this.

_TATIANA is confused. MAY intervenes._

**MAY**  
Bobbi married an English guy she met undercover posing as a mercenary. As far as any of us can tell, the two of them fight a solid eighty percent of the time, but make up for it with good sex? Is that about right?

_MORSE shrugs. They've found another awkward topic. Beat._

**HARTLEY**  
So, mysterious new queer. None of us have a high enough security clearance to read your file, except Maria, and she refuses to on “moral grounds”. So, who are you?

 **TATIANA**  
Um, I’m Tatiana, or Tati, and I’m half-British, half-Russian, but I grew up in South Wales. Was in the Army for a while, and then landed this, doing logistics for SHIELD, mostly in New York or mobile. It’s a fun gig.

 **HILL**  
British Army?

 **TATIANA** (sarcastically)  
No, Slovenian, clearly.

_There’s no reaction_

**TATIANA**  
Um, yeah. Was in for eight years.

 **HARTLEY**  
Why’d you leave?

 **TATIANA**  
Unfortunate altercation with an IED. Can’t recommend. Missing the lower half of my right leg. Tends to have an unfortunate impact on my efforts to sleep with people. 

**ROMANOFF**  
_Wyt ti’n siarad Cymraeg?*_

 **TATIANA**  
Yes, but why the _fuck_ do you?

 **ROMANOFF**  
You never know when you’ll need it. It’s a useful code language. I used it sometimes, when. (pause) Well, before I worked here. 

**MORSE**  
You mean, when you were busy sleeping with people and killing them across Eastern Europe?

 **ROMANOFF**  
Yeah, something like that. 

_Beat. They've done it again!_

**ROMANOFF**  
Anyone want another drink?

_The assembled group all shout their drink orders at ROMANOFF._

**HARTLEY**  
Oh no, here comes trouble.

 **BARTON** (V.O.)  
You found her then, Hill?

_HILL flushes an angry red._

**HILL**  
Natasha really did tell everyone, didn’t she?

_BARTON has now appeared, and vaults over the back of the sofa to take ROMANOFF’s seat._

**BARTON**  
I mean, you weren’t subtle about it. 

**BARTON** (cont.)(impersonating HILL, badly)  
Oh, I wonder who she is? I wonder if she knows I exist?

_Of course, in stealing ROMANOFF’s seat, BARTON has put himself next to HILL, who shoves him. Hard._

**HILL**  
I’ll tell Coulson you’ve been threatening me again.

 **BARTON**  
You wouldn’t!

 **MAY**  
You don’t know what she’d do, now she’s eyeing up that promotion.

 **HARTLEY** (to TATIANA)  
Hill’s on the shortlist for Deputy Director.

 **HILL**  
No thanks to the behaviour of any of you lot, I might add.

 **MORSE**  
I’ve never been a headache as an asset!

 **HILL** (sarcastically)  
Yes, I’ve never had to arrange emergency evacuation of a zoo exhibit for you because you’re being pursued by a horny sea lion.

 **MAY** (with mock horror)  
That’s no way to talk about Hunter!

 **MORSE**  
Actually, not far off.

 **BARTON**  
Do any of you remember the time Nat accidentally threw a man down the stairs?

_In this time, ROMANOFF has returned with a tray of drinks. She places it down on a table in the centre of the group, and then sits on BARTON._

**ROMANOFF**  
That wasn’t an accident.

 **TATIANA**  
Do I want to ask?

 **ROMANOFF**  
Probably not. Not sure it was in line with the Geneva Conventions, but hey-ho, sue me.

 **HILL** (with her fingers in her ears)  
La, la, la. I’m not listening!

 **TATIANA** (quietly, to MORSE, gesturing to ROMANOFF and BARTON)  
Are they, um, together?

 **MORSE**  
Ha! No. Barton’s been married to someone we’ve been assured is a real, actual, live human for years. They’ve got kids and everything.

 **ROMANOFF**  
Two of them. Boy and a girl. You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but he’s a good dad.

 **BARTON** (grumpily)  
They all prefer their Aunty Nat though.

**ROMANOFF**  
Not my fault I’m cooler than you. 

**BARTON**  
I literally have a BOW AND ARROW? What more do you want from me?

********

**MORSE**  
You know, there’s a reason we evolved, as a species, beyond the bow and arrow

********

**BARTON**  
Ah yes, how could I forget, Mrs. Let’s-just-hit-them-with-my-big-sticks.

********

**MORSE**  
I’m good with a gun too!

********

**BARTON**  
So am I! I just prefer my bow!

********

**HARTLEY**  
Oh! A lovers quarrel! Pipe down, you’re scaring the newcomer.

********

**BARTON**  
She’ll have to get used to it pdq if she’s sticking around. And I should state for the record Morse and I haven't slept together in eight years, at this point

********

**MORSE**  
Almost nine, not that I'm counting 

********

**ROMANOFF**  
And, will you? Stick around, that is. Not sleep with Bobbi.

********

**TATIANA**  
Continue plying me with free alcohol and I don’t really see how I can object. It’s quite nice to find people who are, like, not just 2D corporate drones, you know? I’ve had my fill of those. 

********

**MORSE**  
Oh yeah, we’re a clusterfuck

********

**ROMANOFF**  
A clusterfuck who could each kill you in about eighty different ways and make it look like an accident.

********

**MORSE**  
But still.

********

**HARTLEY**  
And also massive nerds. Well, except Barton. I’m not sure he can read.

********

_BARTON flips HARTLEY the bird._

********

**ROMANOFF**  
May can quote most of Star Wars to you. Hill’s the same with Lord of the Rings.

********

**HARTLEY**  
Stop pretending you’re not the same woman who ordered a dress in emerald green because she’d just finished the 7th Harry Potter book, as a full-grown damn adult, and wanted a Slytherin ballgown.

********

**ROMANOFF**  
Oh, I’m sorry there weren’t more children’s fiction options in my childhood! They tend to be in short supply in child-assassin factories!

********

**TATIANA**  
Wait, you’re the Black Widow!

********

**HARTLEY**  
Ding! Ding! Ding! 

********

**MAY**  
Only took you five minutes. 

********

**HILL**  
To be fair, she wasn’t here when Barton brought her in.

********

**MAY**  
Still.

********

**TATIANA**  
I mean, I spent enough time with the British intelligence community to be aware of the importance of that codename.

********

**ROMANOFF**  
And yet, you’ve already drunk the drink I bought you.

********

_TATIANA blanches._

********

**BARTON**  
She’d never be that obvious about killing you. It’d be some micro-knife somewhere. You’d never even know.

********

**HILL**  
Great, thanks Barton. Way to scare off the newbie.

********

**TATIANA**  
I mean, none of you seem scared, so I’ll chance it.

********

**ROMANOFF**  
Your funeral.

********

**HARTLEY**  
Literally.

********

**HILL**  
_Jesus Fuck!_

********

**Author's Note:**

> * Translation: Do you speak Welsh?


End file.
